Monday, August 22, 2005

Sometimes I wonder...

You know what is weird? People jockeying for their authority. that's what. I mean, this isn't South Park's Cartman saying 'Respect my authority!'. This is a grown woman questioning my need to get pens.

Now for a little back story. Let's say hypothetically that a 'friend' of mine started working for a new network, check it at It's pretty superific. Being at a start-up, there are no office supplies to be had without ordering them first. Logically, 'the friend' orders some. And here is where the trouble begins. Order goes in, yelling ensues about the type of pen, jockeying for authority begins, and the 'friend' goes off about how these pens are not Mont Blanc, but just Pilot pens. Damn. I am not alone in this battle, I know.

little rant, lots of steam. next posting should be about tech related stuff. Hopefully.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The 40 Year-Old-Virgin

I saw Steve Carell's new movie about a...(drum roll please)...40 Year-Old-Virgin (cymball crash here)! And as much as you expect this to be a non-stop laugh riot, it is also a sweet romantic story, which everyone in the movie wants to make sure you realize. Yes Judd Apatow and Steve Carell, I watched the film and know that down in the heart of it, the movie is a cute love story, but it is full of really great laughs. And a really hot grandmother. You heard of MILFs, here, Catherine Keener plays a GILF, (thank god they didn't call her that in the film), and you can feel your attitude towards her change when she tells you she has a grandkid. The movie is silly, silly fun with some good hearted laughs that a lot of DOODs will relate to.

Enough about the film already. Now about my interviews with the stars. I will recount a couple of funny interview answers I thought would enlighten our muddied visions of life, and a couple that made me giggle.

me: Steve, that was your real hair that was waxed off your chest. But your back had no hair in the movie. Did you wax that?
Steve: No, I was born with all the hair on my back growing out of my chest.

me: What are viewers going to get from seeing this movie?
Steve Carell: I hope the movie makes them want to go out and vote.
Paul Rudd: It's a funny movie. I hope this movie makes them laugh, laugh so much that they pee, just a litttle in the movie theater.

That's right people, the humans that were on the seat before you PEEd on the seat. PEE! You're sitting in human PEE!

thank you and good night.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Mind of Mencia

Sorry for the late notice, but I am on Mind of Mencia tonight at 9 pm.

Yeah Comedy Central that made me join the union and pay for the goddamn high initiation fees! With no benefits! Everybody applaud!

The awesome power of blogging

You'll be happy to know that instead wiping down my bathroom mirrors to erase the shameful streaks created in-part by Lysol disinfectant wipes, in-part by my utter laziness to get real glass cleaning stuff, I decided to write in my blog. Being that I don’t blog so often, I thought, since I am inspired, I’d better get typing before the excitement wears off.

You guys know what I did last night? I went to work the Red Carpet Premiere of ‘The Skeleton Key’. (Allow me to digress. The Simpsons is too funny, it’s hard to blog while it’s on the TV.) Ok, so back to the premiere. Kate Hudson arrived fairly early to get through the interviews and as soon as she was in eyeshot (I was in 5th place, after ET, Access Hollywood, Extra, and E!), I thought to myself, Wow. Ms. Hudson was wearing a black gown that was COMPLETELY transparent, with diagonal sequins going across the gown for decoration. Let’s just say I could clearly see below her black thong, and if her little poop machine, Ryder, was there, he’d be grabbing for the mom-juice the entire time.

As was expected, Kate Hudson was extremely kind, believes in spirits, and that when we pass, we go to another place. That and she has a very heave handshake. I thought I saw her place her foot squarely on the ground and push off the other leg as she shakes with her entire 90-lb bodyweight. Good god, some woman has a stronger handshake than I? The world is on pins-and-needles.

As for Joy Bryant, I just wanted to ask her, ‘Are you related to Kobe?’ Are you his wife or sister? But I knew better. She was really beautiful in person, a statuesque woman who ‘respects’ voodoo, hoodoo, or magic. Whatever you want to call it, the funniest thing about it is once her aunt found out that Bryant was cast in a movie that dealt with hoodoo (a branch of voodoo with more focus on folklore and magic), her aunt had her perform certain rituals to ward off evil. Crazy crap huh? I love the world sometimes. All this being admitted while her meanie of a PR person was staring me down telling me to ‘wrap it up.’ An Asian girl giving me attitude? What’s up with that? It’s as if she doesn’t respect the irrefutable bond that all Asian girls share. And forever she will be banned from the Chi-Lan club. And once you’re out, you ain’t never coming back!

That’s about all I got. But wait, lemme give you all a quickie review of ‘Wedding Crashers.’ The movie reaches me in a special place in my heart because, while living in SF, I made it one of my most important responsibilities to crash as many weddings as humanly possible within a month’s time. I made it to two, one an Ethiopian wedding (which was AWESOME mind you!) and the other a traditional and beautiful affair. I wasn’t there for the sex, just the food. I was poor and wanted to eat, what do you want from me? Ok, as far as the movie goes, Owen and Vince shot a wonderfully hysterical movie that deals a lot with love, friendship and just silly raunchy fun. Lots of boobs if you’re into that too. My only beef is that Owen’s character was lacking when placed next to the biting, hysterical Vince. Now, Owen is a talented actor who has incredible comedic timing that usually underscores nuanced performances, however here, Owen didn’t really employ ‘the funny’ as much. Maybe that is what the script called for, but come on! The laughs were all coming from Vince Vaughn. And as usual, he’s playing the female crazed, head-in-the-game, funny, sarcastic guy he plays in all his roles, but here, it works just as well as it has anywhere else. The movie is fun, and Vaughn makes it a laugh riot. Can’t wait to see the same character being reprised for his next movie, and next movie, and next movie. Hey, if it works, don’t fix it.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Hello everyone! Movies are Me!

So I posted a long, drawn out tirade on my life as a bore, and got into something good, talking abnout movies! And the post disappeared, but no matter. I can retype it a bit. I knew I should have saved a version in Word.

Yes, I am lazy. Yes, I need to post more often, and yes, I suck. But sometimes, I think there is nothing special to write about. But then I read your comments and get re-energized to write! Write! Write!

So what the hell have I been up to instead of writing to all you kind friends/readers? Well let’s see. I have been reading (most recently finished David Sedaris’ Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim) and watching movies, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Skeleton Key and Anchorman.

Can I just say that I wasn’t expecting much from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ because, well, the posters don’t do it for me. And my memories of those silly Oompa Loompas dancing don’t entice me unless their meat is slathered in BBQ sauce, sizzling on top of a hot grill. See what effect weird movies have on a young, impressionable mind?

Well, Tim Burton’s Charlie was, in one simple word, AMAZING! Yes! With Johnny Depp playing an odd hermit whose youth was lost due to the missing sweetness of candy, and children whose solipsistic personalities exuded through their perfectly coiffed hairdos, the movie’s characters easily evoked the emotions the director wanted to elicit. Even the dancing Oompa Loompa didn’t make me want to vomit, keep it in my mouth, then suffocate to death like it did when I was a kid. Maybe that’s because the original version didn’t have Danny Elfman scoring the music, or Deep Roy playing each of the Oompas, I don’t know what I can credit the magic to, all I can say is that it is magical.

I was also among the lucky few who got to listen to the producers talk about the movie. And you know what I found out? Each of the Oompas was played by Deep, and by each I mean EACH ONE. When you see 500 Oompas dancing, rowing a boat, swimming synchronized, that’s Deep Roy doing each of those movies, the camera stopping down, moving it over 3 feet and Deep performing it again. You see, much to the producers’ horror, Tim Burton was against using a lot of computer graphics to manipulate everything. And to be honest with you, when I watch the musical sequences, I was looking for the doubling, tripling, hundredth-ing of the Oompa, but all his movements were slightly different. And I found out why.

Now for ‘the Skeleton Key’. See I am one of those lucky dogs who got to go to a preview of the film thanks to Universal. Did I tell you all that I will be the new Entertainment Reporter for Universal? She shoots, she scores and it’s all net! Oh yeah! Imagine me doing a silly dance where my pelvis gyrates with no mission other than to look disjointed from my body. My elbows are jabbing back and forth in a celebration dance and my tongue, for some godforsaken reason, finds itself outside my mouth, as if all this activity dehydrates me and it is searching the air outside my body for moisture.

Ok, the movie, ‘The Skeleton Key’, out August 12th. Right, well, here’s a synopsis in case you’re unfamiliar. Kate Hudson plays Caroline, a young hospice worker who goes to work at the home of Violet (Gena Rowlands) and Ben (John Hurt). Soon, Caroline becomes suspicious of the locked room in the attic. As she continues living there, (insert spooky, ominous music here) weird stuff starts happening, odd, unexplained stuff. Then the sound effects hit the steroids and weights to make you jump in your seat. This is a conceptual thriller, based on American folklore of Voodoo that makes you think, allows you to breathe, and wonder, how often can Hudson mention her age in this movie before I gouge my eye out? And five bucks says she’ll be in her undies. This is a horror flick afterall, and the hot girls are always in their undies. It’s amazing how often this cliché appears in films – baffling really. Peter Saarsgard plays Luke, her kind of love interest. Kind of sidekick. Kind of a lot of things, or maybe not really. Well, this movie moves along like that, kind of, not really, yeah. But I have to say, I love thrillers that work with your mind more than straight gore or monsters. Written by Ehren Kruger (The Ring, Scream 3), and directed by Iain Softley (K-Pax), it isn’t a bad example of American horror. And if you’re into magic, voodoo, superstitions, traditions, or anything based on belief, it can be haunting. The back-story and elements of Voodoo are fun, interesting, and make you believe a little more than you want to, but the acting was a touch on the baby formula side (watery texture, yet vitamin fortified, but if you don’t care because you can’t cook for yourself because you’re a baby who has too much fat on your body to even STAND without assistance, then it’ll do) this film is all right. I would like to go into the story more, but don’t want to spoil it. There are interesting story elements, as well as a twist at the end, which makes it stronger than if it didn’t have that end. Certain story branches could have been developed more, but beggars can’t be choosers. When I saw Charlie, after it finished, I said, play it again. I want to see it again, right now. No pee breaks, no water, popcorn, or candy needed. Just play it again. After this film was done, I thought ok, well, all right then. Do I have to pay for parking? Which makes no sense because that night, I have to admit I was still thinking about the movie and had chills run down my spine. No too bad I think.

And then there’s Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Now being a fool who got tricked into getting digital cable and HBO, I saw this movie twice within a two-week span. And let me just say that the move gets better the more you see it. God, Will Ferrell is so stupid silly, he’s great. I love the characters he plays, although they are always the same, he does it so well. It’s a great stupid summer NetFlix rental. And it makes me thank god pantyhose are no longer a requisite at the workplace.

OK this post is way too long, so I will continue another day. Anyone want dating advice? I will dish it just for kicks!

I still have to talk about Wedding Crashers and The 40-year Old Virgin!