Wednesday, September 26, 2007

And if you'll indulge me, I have to tell you about my first 'Red Carpet' and Britney underwear experience. First off, I know many of the readers of this blog are of the XX chromosome group, so I am not sure why I am gonna talk about heels and underwear, but then again, I should ask why you're reading this SIR! :0)

Anyhow, today I did a story on the up and coming designer Jenni Kayne. Her clothes are carried in a store called Intermix, which opened tonight in Los Angeles. After showing off her Fall 2007 line, she dressed me for said store opening, and I am to walk the red carpet. Flash forward to 7 pm, I arrive all dolled up in a fairly expensive and somehow increasingly short hemmed black minidress. Sure it is a beautiful short frock with patent leather piping on the edges, but when I sat down in the car, duuuude, i almost saw my hip bone. Not only that, but being the graceful and ever vigilant Chinese driver I am, I pull up to the valet thinking I can turn it into the driveway, and have many valets yell at me, 'NOOOO!!!!!'. Then I have like 5 managers of the sidewalk tell me, reverse! Yeah bro, I am gonna reverse my big ass Camry into one of the busiest streets full of people with lawyers on retainer, Robertson Blvd. That's what I am gonna do. Anyhoo, once the LAPD got involved - I swear, only in LA does the LAPD get involved with a car pulling legally into a driveway - I pulled out right quick, and drove around the block. Now this experience would seem totally fine and I'd have nothing to blog about, but you know me. So the forces of good and evil get together and somehow, my already short skirt gets shorter and creeps itself up while i am in the car. No harm, no foul. I am in my car and doing all right. Well all ain't well and good when I turn that corner and pull up to the valet. All I know is pulling up, the valet's eyes would not leave my crotch area. Curious to see why the f*(% this creep won't focus on where my eyes are, I look down and say, 'For F*(% sake.' Totally an unnecessary Britney moment. At least I am not famous enough to have photographers flash at my crotch when this mistake happens.

Now did I mention my inability to walk in 5 inch heels, the same 5 inch heels most women covet and line up at stores to suffer for? Well this flatfooted little asian sister says 'Hells no!'. So what does it feel like to enter a red carpet and have some dude announce who you are and have the photographers snap many pictures of you?

If my brain was able to stay a working organ and remember, I would tell you, but literally, all those photographers, like 5000 of them (and my 5000 I mean 3 and when I say 3, I mean like 30), are all calling my name CORRECTLY!!!!! and telling me, cross your legs, uncross your legs, look over your shoulder, second level, up here. The experience was soooo crazy, I literally think I blacked out and my brain threatened to walk out on me. Luckily, I said to my brain 'okay, truce' and it came back to me. But not without a good beating to let me know who is boss. My brain's a jerk.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

New Show!

Hello friends! Guess what? I just got the position of coorespondent for CW NOW, The CW's new weekly 30 minute show about the hottest trends in tech, fashion, beauty, and all things lifestyle. It is so exciting! We shot our first show last week and it shows every Sunday night at 7 pm.

This week I am covering the new 'baby food diet.' I swear, it's pretty delicious...something I didn't expect since anyone with a tongue knows baby food tastes like flavorless mushy poop. Maybe constantly eating this mess is the main reason behind our inabilities to remember our childhoods, hmmm???? We're trying to block out the horrible memories of brown crap that is pushed into our mouths by adults waving around a spoon always make a stupid propeller sound. We should commission a study.

Anyhow, the story will be a lot of fun and goes over nutrients of this delicious new way of eating that is sweeping the hollywood hotlist.

Now the show is really flashy and fun. Everyone tune in if you get a chance. We even discuss tech, which I am itching to kick some ass with! You know I wanna get down and dirty with HD on the cheap!

So watch this Sunday. More silliness to come. Promise, but as of now the little wrinkled buddy aka brain is about to run out on me.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


You know the old saying, 'if something can go wrong, it will.'? Well lemme tell you a little ditty. One day, Chi-Lan wakes up and decides to go to Cancun with a bunch of girlfriends. yeah. Everyone is happy and plans are made.

Enter Hurricane Dean. Well, with a hurricane on the horizon, many Mexicans are bracing for a natural disaster, the govenor of Quintana Roo asks that no one enter the region, and empty planes be sent to evacuate stranded tourists. Wow. That's a lot to take in 20 hours before departure. Needless to say, we cancel our trip.

Rewind 2 weeks. Being a prepared traveler, I decide that with so many wonderful opportunities to play into the water, I don't want to have to deal with the hassle of glasses nor contacts. And since 2 other of the girls got Lasik before the trip, I decide to 'get work done' as well.

So I choose this crazy good and expensive doctor in Beverly Hills, because, dude, you only have the two eyes to work with. You can't mess around. And since this guy has worked on some of the Lakers, I thought, yeah, I am in good hands. After many meetings and doctor's office visits, I come to learn that Dr. Andrew Caster is a very conservative doctor, which puts me even more at ease.

Well, it turns out that I have weak corneas and have to have RPK aka Advanced Surface Treatment, it's the other lasik. Oy, fine fine. If i move forward with this method, healing time increases to about a week, and I will have to deal with blurry vision for a week while all my lively cells grow back. However, I am assured that the results are the same in the end. Ok, let's rock and roll.

So being a curious nelly, while waiting for an hour in the chair with all these tests being run on me, I walk out to see another girl is being brought into the procedure room. And being an advanced lasik center, they show the entire procedure on a 20" monitor. But the size of the monitor is not important, what is important is that there I am, standing thinking, well I am going to be doing this soon, so why not take a look at what happens. And lemme tell you, there is nothing I have ever learned in school, the streets, rap videos, or from the secret decoder rings outta cereal boxes that could have prepared me for the horror of seeing someone's humongoid eyeball being kept open ala A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. I screamed with my inside voice and ran into my exam room.

As soon as someone in some scrubs walked by my semi-opened door, I screamed, where is the XANAX!!!!!! I, obviously, had caught a slight case of the jitters. After almost clawing my nails through the quality vinyl all office chairs are covered in, the nurse enters the room, and effectively draws a milk mustache on my face - out of chloroform. I got my Xanax! In less than 15 minutes, she said I was doing fine, moving slow, like a tortoise who had found a reason to move to the other end of the grass. I thought I was fast, but reality's wind resistance showed otherwise.

So somehow, totally unbeknownst to me, I make it into the procedure room. I remember a teddy bear being thrust into my arms, the same teddy bear that other girl who was just operated on had in her arms. And all I could think was, 'how many others, Teddy, how many others have had the 'pleasure' of holding your ass! You disgust me.' It turns out that drugs don't muffle my crazy meanness. Good to know.

Anyhow, all I remember is the doctor saying, 'now look straight into the laser and don't move'. But you know what? I don't remember moving because i remember thinking, 'I need to sleep. Totally sleepy. What's that smell? Are they burning my hair? OMG it's my eyeball. Don't move. They'll take out an eyelid. Oh I need to shut my eyes. Sooooo sleepy.'

Then like a rock star, I wobble out of the procedure room, and am given many medications for the next day and week, including a sexy pair of sleeping goggles, you know the kind, they look like you're going to go swimming....but instead of just being a sexy pair of sport goggles with clear lenses, you also have that coveted head wrap, and most importantly, medical tape to tape the stupid thing onto your face in an 'x'. Wow, is it hot in here, or is it just my goggled and taped up face? I am telling you, if the sexy police were on duty, they'd have to take me in.

Anyhow, long story short, not like I can really save it at this point, I did all the drops, ate all the meds, and taped my face many times. And a word to the wise, small pieces will do because that stuff leaves residue that sticks dirt and bugs to your face and makes you look homeless. At least that's what I have been told. Ok so however many weeks after my eyes are supposed to be semi-healed and I don't need to wear contacts (yeah!) or glasses (yeah!) I get told I need to wear glasses when I drive. WHHHHHAAAAAA??????? WTF?

That's right you all, out of the 14,000 procedures done by this office, and out of the thousands performed by this high-end advanced laser, for some reason, my eyes got 'Under corrected.' I am the 2nd case of this amazingness. Oh yeah! That vision is not perfect! It's fuzzy. I need to wear glasses. And now I have to have the operation AGAIN! in two months! GAWD.

Now to come full circle, when something in my life can go wrong, I swear that it will.