Thursday, June 30, 2005

looking for something good

I always want to write something witty and funny, you know, like slap your knee while you're eating PB and J, then realize how stupid that was cause now you have peanut butter and jelly all over your pants and you have to GO TO THE FRIGGIN DRY CLEANERS AGAIN! And though you're tired of their lies, you go back, time and time again.

Some truths I have learned over the past 3 days:
-comedians are only funny if they're on stage with a spotlight
-alcohol helps this situation
-when using greenscreen, HGTV often loses its way
-watching EXTRA for the first time in 3 years makes me feel dirty - like 'it touched me where my bathing suit goes' dirty
-all of the products I covered back in May for E!'s Summer Entertainment Guide showed up in many publicatiosn this month, including STUFF!
-and I just shot a pilot for HGTV : )

And guys, here is some news. as you may have noticed, my STUFF article got killed by the new editor-in-chief before its first printing, and therefore you will not see me in the mag this month. But you may be seeing some of my writing in other articles. i will let you know!

Monday, June 27, 2005

Just taped something.....

Hello world!

Holla! Guess who just finished taping a segment for the 'Mind of Mencia with Carlos Mencia' show on Comedy Central? That's right! Me!

I played the wonderful 'World's Only Unemployed Asian'. Get ready. I even end up with a prize! I don't know the airdate yet,, but once I do, you all can watch me...on basic cable TV! Even better.

Another worldly observation: Hipsters care more about decor than food. Suckers.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Almost adjusted enough to relax

First thing's first. Dry cleaners are real bastards.

Now, after 4 days in the goood ol' US, I am almost totally unjetlagged. You may be asking yourself, what does that mean for me? Well, put simply, I no longer wake at an ungodly hour for no apparent reason and have nothing to do, hence I will go and pillage your home and garden in the wee hours while you're getting shut eye. As you can well see, re-adjusting to this timeframe is beneficial to the crux of society as a whole.

This is Part 1 of my Tunisia novella/memoir-ella. Read it, laugh, cry, pee, hate me, love me, then ask for another!

There is something elementary, extraordinary, and especially frustrating with traveling to a third world country. Now don’t get me wrong.

I just went ot Tunisia. Before you ask, ‘but why? Are you a GRAND world traveler?’ To which the author, a complete and utter admitted liar replies, ‘Mary mother of God, yes I am!’ but what I would be saying to you with my sign-language capable eyebrows is, ‘Tunisia was cheaper than both Greece and Turkey. There, you happy now?’

Many of you may be trying to map out the spectacularly extravagant life I must live, being able to holiday and all in AFRICA (which coincidentally is never italicized much, but thought it a nice touch at this juncture), but what I have to tell you may shock and dismay a number of you friends as well as a foe or two. And I am not really sure how it happened, but, yes, I went on an all-inclusive package vacation. Let the balking begin.

I must say one thing in my Tunisian package vacation defense, being an ardent back-packer/Lonely Planet trusting traveler, I never expected that I would be one of those people that decide to overpay some hotel to provide them with room and board, and stay in one central location for an entire vacation. But in Tunisia, it ain’t all that bad. Being on an all-inclusive trip is kind of like being on a cruise, but rather than deal with pesky sailing and those darned pirates, just imagine the boat hell-bent on staying docked on land. And the guests are just as Speedo clad, if they wear anything at all.

Now please allow me the luxury of explaining what an all-inclusive vacation package to AFRICA actually means, and this is all based on a departure from Germany. First you must pack, and pack lightly with a travel guide to give you an idea of what you have to look forward to in terms of the history, culture, sights, and food. Then haul your lazy ass off the bed ten minutes before the fascist regime that strongarms the airport decides willy-nilly to shut the gate on you. Scream - with as much dignity as possible, mind you, because you are after all, a holiday go-er at this point. Scream loud and summon tears if you can. This will help coerce them to understand that you couldn’t possibly have made the gate cut-off time of one-hour prior because you were cramping, or had to finish watching ‘Once And Again’ in German (do not tell them you wouldn’t be caught dead watching this show in the states in your native tongue, however). You see, watching the show in German has benefits, namely, you are trying to improve yourself by exposing yourself to new languages, cultures, and lives, and aren’t we all on earth to do the same thing? Grow and learn from TV? And going to Tunisia to watch their TV would do more than a piffy 4-year college degree anyday! At this point, the heaven’s gate music should kick in and an all powerful glowing light illuminates the door and invites you onto the plane. As you walk onto the gangway a champion, make sure to look back and using just your thumb and pinkly finger, lick your fingertips, shape your eyebrows, then give ‘em a point. Solid. Score: 1 for Chi-Lan, 0 for fascism.

Back to Tunisia. As soon as that shakey-ass plane flies it’s turbulance loving nose into the air, sit back, relax, and familiarize yourself with the location of any and all floatation devices. This plane seems to be piloted by a bunch of jokesters who enjoy flying this plane like it’s a roller coaster. See that cloud there? It doesn’t stand a chance to this 747. Shoot me please.

After a short stint hyperventilating, the plane lands without the nose masks every being deployed – to the huge shock and dismay of this traveler. Now get your ass out of that plane as soon as possible, or the jokester pilots may just take you back up for shits and giggles.

As you enter the customs area, head to the shortest line possible and content yourself with knowing that no matter how short the line nor the amount of people in it, it will not move and you will never enter the country. From the rear of the Tunisian customs room, it seems the immigration officers enjoy asking each and every individial what their plans are while in Tunisia, and if, say, a two-year-old’s stuffed bear refuses to answer, well, that officer gets up and takes a break. He has obviously never encountered such disrespect before. This translates into another hour in line waiting to enter the country. And whatever you do, make sure you do your best to NOT form a sensible line. Seriously, I didn’t think disorganization like this existed outside Microsoft corporate. I was wrong.

The package luckily includes transportation to and from the airport as part of the deal. You may be thinking guests are greeted with confetti, streamers, a large sign heralding ‘Welcome Chi-Lan to our humble country! Enjoy your stay!’ In a perfect world the smile of an all too tan tourguide leader would also excitedly hold a flag in one hand and a glass of champagne for me in the other. Banish those thoughts kids. As soon as you get through customs, walk straight to the hoards of ‘tourist package guides’, as there are plenty, and not many venture to Tunisia without locked accommodation during the summer season. And they don’t greet you, they don’t have time nor the patience for your antics. Thanks!

Sit in the bus for aobut an hour and wait another 45 minutes to be dropped off at a hotel less than 7 kilometers away and voila! Vacation has surely begun!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

MTV Overdrive part deux!

Hope that link works, if not, it should be under the MTV Overdrive, ON TV section. Check it out if you have time. OK, off onto a plane for me!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Apple switches to Intel debate...

Let the talking begin...

I guess I should have begun this earlier, but hey, I've been on vacation...

As for the comment on Apple switching to Intel chips, I think this joint venture is in step for Apple. They have switched chip families before, from Motorola's 68000 chips to PowerPC (IBM and Motorola's joint venture). That was about 10 years ago, and to stay competitive in the PC market, things need to make another shift, even if it is a grand one. I think this move is a few years overdue...

Being one that owns an Apple laptop, I, for one would sure like a hot to trot G5 laptop, but the PowerPC chip reportedly can't deliver the power and speed required within low-power-usages of laptops. Sidenote, imagine sitting yoru laptop on your lap to work, and as soon as you open Word, or better yet, Photoshop tooo! the laptopstarts to glow and burn your legs. Laptops affecting your sperm count is no longer an issue here. Thems sperm are most likely dead in the water.

To be honest, I am not sure if the switch from PowerPC to Intel chips will give Macs a larger share in the personal PC market, but I am sure this will help programmers trifold as they develop programs and one day in the future, maybe make ALL things Mac compatible! Oh to dream!

MTV Overdrive!!!!

Hey guys, here's what I did for MTV Overdrive...E3 baby!

(I hope that link works. It was sent to me and being on a Mac, well, let's just imagine me feverishly shaking my fist at the site)

Sure I didn't get totally indepth about all the cool new stuff stuffs you can get into at E3, but it was still fun. and I got to cut in line and look at the PS3. Rockin!

I am still in Germany, speaking embarrassingly small amounts of German, but putteriing around town buying water and bread, and looking at the greenest landscape Europe has to offer a visitor. Oh did I mention that the russian girl in the room next to me drinks a lot on her balcony at nights?

Push the button.

Monday, June 06, 2005

So it's been a while...

I know it's been a few weeks since I have posted, and there is no excuse except for my overall busy-bodyness of work, a trip to NYC, and my vacation to German (which I am still on, BTW).

Some great insights I would love to share with you all about this beautiful green country...

When entering the boarder, make sure you pack some Claritin.
German men are not shy about brandishing denim capris, or khacki capris, or capris of any material, for that matter. They like to wear them with sneakers - the animals.
The stereotype of older European men in speedos was just proven to me at a local hot springs location, that is if they are wearing anything at all - the animals.
Swiss people have an unexplained fondness for cows and pigs. And they think charging $4.00 is acceptable for melted cheese on a slice of bread. let me repeat, melted cheese on a slice of bread - the animals, for the last time.
Almost all Germans speak english and are super helpful and kind, but they hate Mondays. Everything closes on Monday and on this day, they say 'shut it. we are closed.' Otherwise, they are really nice.
And hangers are almost impossible to purchase anywhere in this country. I swear I tried.

Many European countries including Germany are known for their cutting edge electronics and bleeding edge design concepts. Judging from what I saw in Switzerland and Germany, the consumer electronics market is about the same. I am not sure what i expected to see when entering their version of Best Buy and various cell phone stores, maybe a phone that allows you to edit HD videos you shoot with the handset, while teleporting yourself to the local hofbrauhaus for dinner, I can't really say....what I did see were handsets similar to the market in US. In short, you are not missing much in technology, early adopters. What you are missing are the amazing coffee drinks, to die for desserts, a great country strongly rooted in its past and culture, and an invention called the Doner. It's a Turkish fast food invention like the falafel, but with meat...I hear it is delicious and just had a full-page spread in FHM here. Yes, food gets full-page spreads in FHM in this country. Talk about progressive!