Monday, August 01, 2005

Hello everyone! Movies are Me!

So I posted a long, drawn out tirade on my life as a bore, and got into something good, talking abnout movies! And the post disappeared, but no matter. I can retype it a bit. I knew I should have saved a version in Word.

Yes, I am lazy. Yes, I need to post more often, and yes, I suck. But sometimes, I think there is nothing special to write about. But then I read your comments and get re-energized to write! Write! Write!

So what the hell have I been up to instead of writing to all you kind friends/readers? Well let’s see. I have been reading (most recently finished David Sedaris’ Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim) and watching movies, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Skeleton Key and Anchorman.

Can I just say that I wasn’t expecting much from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ because, well, the posters don’t do it for me. And my memories of those silly Oompa Loompas dancing don’t entice me unless their meat is slathered in BBQ sauce, sizzling on top of a hot grill. See what effect weird movies have on a young, impressionable mind?

Well, Tim Burton’s Charlie was, in one simple word, AMAZING! Yes! With Johnny Depp playing an odd hermit whose youth was lost due to the missing sweetness of candy, and children whose solipsistic personalities exuded through their perfectly coiffed hairdos, the movie’s characters easily evoked the emotions the director wanted to elicit. Even the dancing Oompa Loompa didn’t make me want to vomit, keep it in my mouth, then suffocate to death like it did when I was a kid. Maybe that’s because the original version didn’t have Danny Elfman scoring the music, or Deep Roy playing each of the Oompas, I don’t know what I can credit the magic to, all I can say is that it is magical.

I was also among the lucky few who got to listen to the producers talk about the movie. And you know what I found out? Each of the Oompas was played by Deep, and by each I mean EACH ONE. When you see 500 Oompas dancing, rowing a boat, swimming synchronized, that’s Deep Roy doing each of those movies, the camera stopping down, moving it over 3 feet and Deep performing it again. You see, much to the producers’ horror, Tim Burton was against using a lot of computer graphics to manipulate everything. And to be honest with you, when I watch the musical sequences, I was looking for the doubling, tripling, hundredth-ing of the Oompa, but all his movements were slightly different. And I found out why.

Now for ‘the Skeleton Key’. See I am one of those lucky dogs who got to go to a preview of the film thanks to Universal. Did I tell you all that I will be the new Entertainment Reporter for Universal? She shoots, she scores and it’s all net! Oh yeah! Imagine me doing a silly dance where my pelvis gyrates with no mission other than to look disjointed from my body. My elbows are jabbing back and forth in a celebration dance and my tongue, for some godforsaken reason, finds itself outside my mouth, as if all this activity dehydrates me and it is searching the air outside my body for moisture.

Ok, the movie, ‘The Skeleton Key’, out August 12th. Right, well, here’s a synopsis in case you’re unfamiliar. Kate Hudson plays Caroline, a young hospice worker who goes to work at the home of Violet (Gena Rowlands) and Ben (John Hurt). Soon, Caroline becomes suspicious of the locked room in the attic. As she continues living there, (insert spooky, ominous music here) weird stuff starts happening, odd, unexplained stuff. Then the sound effects hit the steroids and weights to make you jump in your seat. This is a conceptual thriller, based on American folklore of Voodoo that makes you think, allows you to breathe, and wonder, how often can Hudson mention her age in this movie before I gouge my eye out? And five bucks says she’ll be in her undies. This is a horror flick afterall, and the hot girls are always in their undies. It’s amazing how often this cliché appears in films – baffling really. Peter Saarsgard plays Luke, her kind of love interest. Kind of sidekick. Kind of a lot of things, or maybe not really. Well, this movie moves along like that, kind of, not really, yeah. But I have to say, I love thrillers that work with your mind more than straight gore or monsters. Written by Ehren Kruger (The Ring, Scream 3), and directed by Iain Softley (K-Pax), it isn’t a bad example of American horror. And if you’re into magic, voodoo, superstitions, traditions, or anything based on belief, it can be haunting. The back-story and elements of Voodoo are fun, interesting, and make you believe a little more than you want to, but the acting was a touch on the baby formula side (watery texture, yet vitamin fortified, but if you don’t care because you can’t cook for yourself because you’re a baby who has too much fat on your body to even STAND without assistance, then it’ll do) this film is all right. I would like to go into the story more, but don’t want to spoil it. There are interesting story elements, as well as a twist at the end, which makes it stronger than if it didn’t have that end. Certain story branches could have been developed more, but beggars can’t be choosers. When I saw Charlie, after it finished, I said, play it again. I want to see it again, right now. No pee breaks, no water, popcorn, or candy needed. Just play it again. After this film was done, I thought ok, well, all right then. Do I have to pay for parking? Which makes no sense because that night, I have to admit I was still thinking about the movie and had chills run down my spine. No too bad I think.

And then there’s Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Now being a fool who got tricked into getting digital cable and HBO, I saw this movie twice within a two-week span. And let me just say that the move gets better the more you see it. God, Will Ferrell is so stupid silly, he’s great. I love the characters he plays, although they are always the same, he does it so well. It’s a great stupid summer NetFlix rental. And it makes me thank god pantyhose are no longer a requisite at the workplace.

OK this post is way too long, so I will continue another day. Anyone want dating advice? I will dish it just for kicks!

I still have to talk about Wedding Crashers and The 40-year Old Virgin!


yam said...

Woo-Hoo! Congrats on another big job! Man, what a far cry from that show you were on before, what was it called, "The Scream Savers?" now called "Attack of the lamest show on cable"? Good for you Chi-Lan!


chrisuso said...

Sounds like you enjoy your movies. Blog is way long, but all good.

It would be cool if you could take alook at my blog when you get a chance. Ill be heading out for 2weeks, so I wont be able to blog till I get back.

The Sailor has to anchor out for some good ol' drilling!


DavidRC46 said...

Thank God you posted just in time. You saved my life. I was on the ledge about to jump when I glanced back and saw your post come up. "I want to live" I shouted and climbed to safety.
Seriously, I missed your wry observations and am glad you posted.

CBSpaceCowboy said...

Anchorman is a great movie. I still haven't seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I'm not sure about The Skeleton Key. As for the dating advice, I can't say I need any. Considering I have no free time as it is, and can't find a good girl to date. Glad to see you posting again, keep it up.

Michael said...

Nice to see you posting again. Dating advice? Yeah, I will take some. How to meet a woman like you. I could use some advice.

Good luck with your new job. It sounds very magnificent.

Brent said...

Well Chi-Lan I’m glad to see you are posting again…. I don’t check you site religiously as before…I guess you get inspired in spurts. My friend always likes to watch movies.. unfortunately he loves lame movies.. The last movie I saw by myself was iRobot.. which was great… I think the Pacifier, Cellular (ummm ok kinda) and Open Water (terrible beyond belief.

So now you are giving out dating advice… oh come on Chi-Lan… ha ha I guess you have no trouble meeting guys.. however maybe things aren’t clicking.. oh well. You’re still young … I hope you don’t have tech paparazzi following you.. ha ha

Now here is something good and bad… you are in Movie Land.. however when I went to Indonesia earlier… wow all the first run movies on DVD for $2 ha ha. My friend and his family just got back from Indo.. lets see he had Batman… Willy Wonka.. and about 10 other movies.. for $2 to $5 each… one was even filmed with a camera.. ah Asia.. I love it!!! They are not so free in Japan or Korea.. but Malaysia and Indo.. wow.

Zeta said...

Woo! Thanks for sticking around!

You definately are a fun person and I enjoy reading about your adventures.

Marcus said...

Well, if you've got digital cable and HBO, chances are you'll be seeing Troy A LOT. I get the east and west channels of HBO and HBO2 and that movie is on like 8 times a day.

I'm glad you liked Willy Wonka so much. I liked the original, but it didn't hold any warm or fuzzy feelings in me and I'm not too excited for the remake. I'll be waiting to watch it on DVD around Christmas time (if this DVD rushed for the holiday season, I'll jump off the Empire State building in spiderman underroos). Knowing you liked the movie gives me hope though.

It's nice to see you are so busy though. I saw a commercial for the next Mencia episode and it mentioned getting a job, do you think that is your episode?

Michael said...

C * O * N * G * R * A * T * U * L * A * T * I * O * N * S ! ! ! meatball, on your new gig. Told you it would happen - well, something would happen, right?

I saw C&CF also - wicked. However, that dude, Deep Rob whoever OompaLoompa guy; is ooooooglay. He was the only aspect of the film I didn't dig. You gota see Wedding Crashers, too. I was crying laughing through a good part of it.