Thursday, December 13, 2007

On the road to better skin

Not like I have ever been told, 'wooooh, there lady! you need yourself a face lift!' But when CW NOW requested that I put my money maker aka. face up to be poked, prodded, polished, creamed, pulled, lasered, and more all in the name of good tv! Woot.

So being a sensible woman in my twonties, I thought, why not give it a go? I have never really been to a dermatologist...ok, that is a complete lie. Once I went into my doctor's office because I had Mt,. Vesuvious about to blow on my face, and I thought, even though I was just a producer tehn, this cannot be humanly possible. I cannot stand to live in a world where my face is the playground for volcanic zits. GAWD. Oh wait, where was i going? oh right. So i got a referral to a dermatologist to see this one zit. And when I went back to my doctor, she said, 'i cannot believe the doctor who was seeing you while I was on maternity leave referred you to a dermatologist. it was a zit.' Thanks lady.

Anyhoo, back to this visit to a famous Beverly Hills doctor. His name is Dr. Lancer, and he is known as the dude who gives a lot of the A-listers in LA their glow on teh red carpet. Supposedly his clients include Beyonce, Kate Hudson, Denise Richards, and some other people. As the in-depth reporter I am, I decide to go to the doctor's office and havce him perform some of the 'maintenance work' he performs on the stars to let them glow while they flow down the red carpet. This included Micropolishing, Matrix IR laser treatment, and an oxygen and placenta facial.

Let's start with Micropolishing. Now remember, during the entire 1.5 hours or so of these treatments, I am on camera the entire time, and I have to look like i am having a ball! And most of the time I am, until it comes to poking. So Micropolishing. Micropolishing is like microdermabrasion, where the doctor goes in with a device and exfoliates the dead cells off your face. Dr. Lancer's little tool was different. when you look at it, you see a polisher that looks much like the device a dentist uses to polish your teeth when you go in for your cleanings. Now instead of this little bristle at the end of the device, imagine a tiny suction cup with a little bit of crystal in there and comes out at the suction cup sucks your skin into the head of the device. That's right. So the doctor asks me what it felt like. I wanted to say, well it feels like one of those sucker fish I used to have in my fish tank went out into the world, fell in love with a barracuda, had little sucky toothed babies, and that baby found my face and started teaching me a lesson. But since there are cameras on me, I said, 'It feels interesting, like a little suction and I can feel something polishing my skin.' Consumate professional is my middle name. ;)

Now for the Matrix IR laser. Dr. Lancer was kind enough to note that my skin was pretty healthy and tone and in 30 or so years, I will not have to worry about huge wrinkles. YES! Thank you mom for the good genes. But to show off his 'star treatment,' I underwent a laser treatment anyhow. And on that note, have you ever noticed how 'laser' is very similar to 'taser'? Yup. Well lemme tell you something, being close to naked with one of those flimsy paper gowns on, but still wearing my cowboy boots, I don't even know, please don't ask, I was lying on my back as Dr. Lancer starts putting all this jelly, which he so sweetly describes as 'Just like KY Jelly'. I swear to god! What woman wants to hear that her doctor is gonna squirt a sexual lubricant on her face after he puts a little blindfold on her?!!!!?! So he squirts all this jelly on my face, then continues to rub it in. And then a question gets asked. Dude! That jelly got really close to my mouth and when i had to TALK, it went in!!!!! IN!!!!! aaarrrggghhhhh! And then the 'treatment' begins. So he puts this laser on my face and runs it around while shooting these little tiny pulses of light onto my face. How does it feel? Honestly, it was kinda uncomfortable. It was as if someone was using a very low wattage shocker on my skin. It was not totally crazy, but I like to think I blow things way out of proportion and that is what makes my life exciting. Honestly, when they asked me how it felt, all I could think was, 'Man, no wonder laser rhymes with taser.'

And then came the oxygen and placenta masks. Now oxygen mask is no big deal, they take this little beaker thingie filled with clean oxygen and gently blow it on my face. It was really relaxing actually, since I was lying comfortably down on a large lounger and there was a heating pad on my lower back. They do know how to treat a girl! And then it ended. Now comes the placenta! So the aestetician takes out the jar of stuff and starts smearing it on my face, saying the placenta is really healthy and hydrating for my skin. Great. My only question, where does this placenta come from? Cows? Dogs? Chickens? She says, 'humans.' My first thought, 'OMG are there just people who troll the hospitals and once a baby is born, they do a knee slide into the delivery room with a pan in hand to catch the placenta?' But being a lady and on camera, I keep these thoughts to myself. Or at least to myself until the camera turns off and I start to type. hello! :) So after finding out that this is human placenta, culled in an FDA approved lab, and worth a lot of money, I am still a little uncomfortable, but getting ok with the idea of having human detritus purposely smeared onto my face. Then she gets it close to my mouth. OMG. I must have kicked a kitten in a previous life to have this happen. Do you know where placenta comes from? Starbucks doesn't use it as a coffee flavoring, so could we not give Chi-Lan the taste sensation?! Anyhow, after freaking out all in my head and laughing about how the placenta was peeling on my face after we finish the facial, I have ot say, I was feeling quite moisturized and glowy. :)

Whatever that doctor did seemed to work, as I didn't look like crap. And you can see the story on CW NOW this Sunday. Check it yo! Then holler back.


Brent said...

Placenta on your face.... um Stem Cell research? You always seem to be having something done to your head or face. Oh well, part of your glamorous lifestyle...

So... hey.

Tunaman3000 said...

I am new to this blog but I just wanted to point out that in the last week you have recounted tales of waking up next to an unnamed man with strange bruises on your head and having human placenta smeared all over your face. This is the best blog ever.

Brent said...


Chi-Lan is like "The Oracle at Delphi" you can predict the future though interpretation of her writings. Some day her blog will be required reading in colleges across the nation.