Surviving Tom, and I ain't talkin' Cruise

Before I get started on my life-threatening ride to Rose Parade glory, I would like to give a shout out to Brenda in San Diego who asked where my coat was from. I got it from Zara, a lovely Spanish chain that specializes in affordable fashions. And I got it recently, so it might still be available in the store. Good luck!

Ok, so you all know that I am not the BEST driver in the world. I mean, come on. I grew up driving in LA, and then moved to Hollywood. All I do is defensive driving. That is all well and good though. But when I am a passenger in a 15-passanger van, being driven from about 8 float barns all around the Los Angeles area by a man named Tom, an official driver for the parade, I assume I am in good hands. Well my friends, although I expected to come back alive, nothing prepared me for a ride that made me thank god I my underwear was clean that day.

So get this. I get to the hotel in Pasadena at 7 am, where we are supposed to meet. And the first thing I hear is we are behind schedule because one of the van drivers has hit a car – in the valet roundabout. Wow. I tell the producer, I hope I’m not riding in that van! And he says, ‘Oh but you are.’ Something told me I should have known.

As soon as we all load into the van, we meet Tom. He’s an older man with kind eyes and a happy smile. He’s dressed well in his official Rose Parade blazer, and comes around to introduce himself to all of us – lovely gesture. And as soon as he saddles up in the driver’s seat, with his 5 happy-go-lucky passengers, he asks nonchalantly if it would be ok to make a quick stop at his house. He says, ‘I want to pick up my prescription glasses.’ This is AFTER the guy hit a car in a valet roundabout that is all of 50 meters long, and a semi-circle, where no one can reach more than 5 mph while taking the turn. All the passengers look at each other with a huge smile, like, are you serious? Next thing I hear is Jann Carl, lovely co-host of Rose Parade 2008 and just and extraordinary human being, say quickly ‘YES! Anything you need to see.’ We then all bust out laughing. Is this for real? I swear this was an episode of Candid Camera.

We get under way to Tom’s house and drive out of Pasadena to neighboring San Marino, where his home is located. Now it’s probably all of 3 miles to his home, not far at all, but before we reach our destination, the passengers are all chatting, excited for the day, when all of a sudden, screech! Holy crap. We all jolt forward coffees in hand, wondering WTF. This is TF. The van pulls up behind a car at a 4-stop intersection. The car in front drives off, and it’s the other cars’ turns. Well not in Tom’s driving book. He starts putting the pedal to the metal and as the two other cars are about to crash into either sides of the van, his quick actions step on the brakes and stop us. At this point, my eyes grow so big with worry and the ENTIRE van is silent. We just don’t know how to handle the situation.

Now that was a deal, but not a huge deal. So we mosey along our way to visit all the barns, find out all the secret decorating materials and the big shows planned for the big day. It was totally fun. Until….dun, dun, dun. We’re back in Pasadena and are lost looking for the last float barn of the day. We are driving back and forth on Grevalia Street, I believe, and cannot figure out where the address is. We stop at a train track crossing, and as we start to pull out slowly, the track lights start flashing. I think, of course, we’re already late as it is, so this is just fitting. It’s like Alanis Morissette’s grammatically incorrect song, ‘Isn’t it Ironic’, when it isn’t ironic at all, but just an inconvenience. But hey, I guess we can all take artistic license if we’re playing God in a Kevin Smith movie. But I digress. As the lights start flashing, for some insane reason, Tom leaves his foots firmly on the brake. All of a sudden I notice the arm of the crossings drop onto the car and yell ‘The arm is gonna hit us!’. Not a lovely instance in my life. And as the rest of the car reacts with ‘Oh My God!’, Tom, a pro driver, decides to pull forward. Now if you’re reading this story, you probably realize that we are half in and half out of the railroad crossings, so if the arm is coming down, why on earth would you pull into the danger zone? Well, I wanted to ask Tom, but I was too concerned with the fact that as he pulled forward, the tracks ran diagonally underneath our large 15-person van, and he just stopped once he thought he had pulled past one of the tracks. So I start saying, pull up! Pull up! You don’t know what direction the train is coming from and our rear is still over the second set of tracks! Pull up! So as a man who uses his mind on a bi-weekly basis at least, Tom pulls the van up so the front of the van is meeting oncoming traffic. The only thing keeping our car’s headlights from kissing the oncoming traffic’s headlights is, of course, the railroad crossing arm. This situation is honestly soooo crazy insane, we all in the car laugh throughout the entire thing. I start forming the claw with my hand and drive it deep into my Executive Producer’s leg to let him know I blame him for my death, as I laugh uproariously at the fact that my life is in the hands of a man who forgot his prescription glasses the morning he is meant to chauffeur a bunch of media people. This was pretty surreal. And the best part, as we’re sitting in our van waiting for the train to come by, the metro with 4 cars comes by, actually slows down and comes to a complete stop at the intersection to look at the idiots who are inside the crossing. The train STOPPED to mock us, as to say, what dumb-asses! And we were!

To top off the chauffeur trip, we make the most illegal u-turn in front of two police cars that look like Transformers. It was two of those new Charger models. I thought, oh no. Now not only have we just risked our lives living fast and furious on train tracks, we’re so getting tickets! But surprisingly, they didn’t stop us. And we finally ended up getting back to the hotel, where we all had a very stiff drink. Stiffer than a rocket – to celebrate ‘Surviving Tom.’ And after getting out of the car from hell, I get into my car with a drink in me. Safety first! ;) And realize, this was the funniest near-death experience I have ever had. Well played Tom. Well played.

Oh, and did you all see the rose parade coverage? Did you see the morphing truck float from Honda spew too big flames and then singe itself? And what about the parade running behind so they made the Akashikita High School from Japan run around the corner! The commentary from the booth was ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen marching bands run so fast!’ I swear to god, I love this parade! I am a complete float nerd! If there were a pin that read so, I’d sport it all day long. Float on, brothers and sisters, float on!

Rose Parade craziness!

So it is the 28th of December. And I have just spent 15.5 hours shooting 'The Making of Rose Parade 2008' special for HGTV. Wow, it was COLD! Now some of you know this is my 2nd year shooting this special, and even though I have experienced the pain of the cold in the 'float barns', I still am unable to convince myself to stop physically abusing my body by dressing in a silk dress in weather that hits the highs of the 40's all day long. Damn! It was some cold stuff! Now senseless as I am, I find the prettiest little silk dress and think the flower motif will be great for the special. Yeah. So I find some tank tops, double them up and like a lady, tuck them deep into my hot pink colored tights. This my friends, is one sexy look. It gets even better when the microphone, ever so important when you decide to record moving picture with a crazy thing called sound, gets pulled under my tanks. this ruins the whole tuck for warmth idea. Plus, the mic pack gets taped to my upper thigh. And when I say upper thigh, I mean the place that the priest touches you when he wants to be your friend. All day long guys, the sound man, nice person, keeps having to strap and restrap the pack to my upper thigh, and in doing so, I flash him more than enough shots of my hot pink colored crotch. I was wearing tights! I don't think he expected to have his retinas burnt out that day, but I hear the company has good workman's comp, so I don't feel so bad. He'll be the only sound guy deaf in both eyes.

So now I am headed BACK to the float barns to tour the floats prior to them hitting Colorado Blvd. this New Year's. And that means another 7 am call time. I love this stuff, so I totally don't mind much. Or I could just totally be lying because the morning sun feels like the sting of of a vicious pit bull attack on my jugular. Anyhow, I will be joining the live commercial-free team coverage of the parade again this year in pasadena, bright and early on New year's morning! I LOVE this stuff! I love the flowers. I love the floats. I love the pageantry. And I love never having to make plans and go out on New year's Eve. :) That's the best part!

Watch it Tuesday morning. And 'Making of' special will be on HGTV right before. If you're not up, set the tivo.

Chat soon.

Merry Christmas

hey you all! Happy holidays!

Now there are sooo many things to discuss, I have to somehow shave it down to just a few bullet points because I have to run.

1. chocolate - I did a 'sin is in' Sweets shoot for CW NOW. And what did I do for 5.5 hours friday before xmas? I went to 4 locations all throughout Los Angeles, and gorged myself on chocolate. That's right. I ate some sweet, delicious, hand crafted truffles. They were amazing, all with interesting 'juxtapositions of flavor profiles' (look at me go!) like smoked sea salt and 7 Japanese Spices on top of hand crafted chocolates. Comparte is where I ate probably around 7,000 truffle chocolates. It was on Barrington in LA. And not only was I eating my way to obesity at this joint, but my camera crew and I decided we needed some excitement in the form of 'I Dare You's. What did we do? It's kind of an innocuous game when played at work, so my challenge was to get the chocolatier to say 'karate' without asking him to say it outright, nor telling him of the game. Now we all know I am klassy with a 'k' and as smooth as Rico Suave, so what do I do? Well I wait until he is helping these two lovely ladies at the register get their chosen morsels of goodness and then I break out into 3rd degree questioning about that movie, you know, that Ralph Machio became famous in? And who was that great Japanese Actor? Ray, Jay? Oh, and what was that martial art he practiced? It was kung-fu huh? wasn't it? Now sure I sounded like a complete idiot, but friends, let me just say, I won! What you may ask, did I get for my small triumph on behalf of mankind? Well, as my cameraman says, I get 'one point.' I felt more ripped off than when I paid full price for a ticket to see "Men in Black 2'. Anyhow, long story short, I went to 4 places, ate at 4 places, and got sick to my stomach for 2 days! Most women would have died to me in my position. Me? When my producer asked me to have just one more piece, I shot her a stink eye so bad, I think she bathed in tomato juice that night. My bad. Crazy as it was, I totally enjoyed myself. Plus I got to hang with 'Food Dude' Kevin Roberts who loves food more than I do! And he edumakated me on some stuff! It was fun!

2. I will be hosting the Rose Parade 2008 and the 'Making of Rose Parade 2008' again this year! Yeah! Now you all know I am absolutely looney so when they ask me to come and talk about flowers, it is honestly the only thing i can think about for months on end! I absolutely LOVE the Rose Parade and the floats! Plus all the controversy over the China and Beijing Olympics floats. Jeez guys, it's just a bunch of flowers and seeds on papier mache. Are protesters with signs necessary? Anyhow, my call time for these two awesome projects? Oh, a lovely 5 and and 4 am! Yeehaw! I cannot wait! You can watch them both on New Year's Day 2008 on HGTV. I believe the party starts around 6 am, so set your coffee maker.

3. I hope you all had wonderful holidays and got everything you asked Santa for this year. Hugs.

On the road to better skin

Not like I have ever been told, 'wooooh, there lady! you need yourself a face lift!' But when CW NOW requested that I put my money maker aka. face up to be poked, prodded, polished, creamed, pulled, lasered, and more all in the name of good tv! Woot.

So being a sensible woman in my twonties, I thought, why not give it a go? I have never really been to a dermatologist...ok, that is a complete lie. Once I went into my doctor's office because I had Mt,. Vesuvious about to blow on my face, and I thought, even though I was just a producer tehn, this cannot be humanly possible. I cannot stand to live in a world where my face is the playground for volcanic zits. GAWD. Oh wait, where was i going? oh right. So i got a referral to a dermatologist to see this one zit. And when I went back to my doctor, she said, 'i cannot believe the doctor who was seeing you while I was on maternity leave referred you to a dermatologist. it was a zit.' Thanks lady.

Anyhoo, back to this visit to a famous Beverly Hills doctor. His name is Dr. Lancer, and he is known as the dude who gives a lot of the A-listers in LA their glow on teh red carpet. Supposedly his clients include Beyonce, Kate Hudson, Denise Richards, and some other people. As the in-depth reporter I am, I decide to go to the doctor's office and havce him perform some of the 'maintenance work' he performs on the stars to let them glow while they flow down the red carpet. This included Micropolishing, Matrix IR laser treatment, and an oxygen and placenta facial.

Let's start with Micropolishing. Now remember, during the entire 1.5 hours or so of these treatments, I am on camera the entire time, and I have to look like i am having a ball! And most of the time I am, until it comes to poking. So Micropolishing. Micropolishing is like microdermabrasion, where the doctor goes in with a device and exfoliates the dead cells off your face. Dr. Lancer's little tool was different. when you look at it, you see a polisher that looks much like the device a dentist uses to polish your teeth when you go in for your cleanings. Now instead of this little bristle at the end of the device, imagine a tiny suction cup with a little bit of crystal in there and comes out at the suction cup sucks your skin into the head of the device. That's right. So the doctor asks me what it felt like. I wanted to say, well it feels like one of those sucker fish I used to have in my fish tank went out into the world, fell in love with a barracuda, had little sucky toothed babies, and that baby found my face and started teaching me a lesson. But since there are cameras on me, I said, 'It feels interesting, like a little suction and I can feel something polishing my skin.' Consumate professional is my middle name. ;)

Now for the Matrix IR laser. Dr. Lancer was kind enough to note that my skin was pretty healthy and tone and in 30 or so years, I will not have to worry about huge wrinkles. YES! Thank you mom for the good genes. But to show off his 'star treatment,' I underwent a laser treatment anyhow. And on that note, have you ever noticed how 'laser' is very similar to 'taser'? Yup. Well lemme tell you something, being close to naked with one of those flimsy paper gowns on, but still wearing my cowboy boots, I don't even know, please don't ask, I was lying on my back as Dr. Lancer starts putting all this jelly, which he so sweetly describes as 'Just like KY Jelly'. I swear to god! What woman wants to hear that her doctor is gonna squirt a sexual lubricant on her face after he puts a little blindfold on her?!!!!?! So he squirts all this jelly on my face, then continues to rub it in. And then a question gets asked. Dude! That jelly got really close to my mouth and when i had to TALK, it went in!!!!! IN!!!!! aaarrrggghhhhh! And then the 'treatment' begins. So he puts this laser on my face and runs it around while shooting these little tiny pulses of light onto my face. How does it feel? Honestly, it was kinda uncomfortable. It was as if someone was using a very low wattage shocker on my skin. It was not totally crazy, but I like to think I blow things way out of proportion and that is what makes my life exciting. Honestly, when they asked me how it felt, all I could think was, 'Man, no wonder laser rhymes with taser.'

And then came the oxygen and placenta masks. Now oxygen mask is no big deal, they take this little beaker thingie filled with clean oxygen and gently blow it on my face. It was really relaxing actually, since I was lying comfortably down on a large lounger and there was a heating pad on my lower back. They do know how to treat a girl! And then it ended. Now comes the placenta! So the aestetician takes out the jar of stuff and starts smearing it on my face, saying the placenta is really healthy and hydrating for my skin. Great. My only question, where does this placenta come from? Cows? Dogs? Chickens? She says, 'humans.' My first thought, 'OMG are there just people who troll the hospitals and once a baby is born, they do a knee slide into the delivery room with a pan in hand to catch the placenta?' But being a lady and on camera, I keep these thoughts to myself. Or at least to myself until the camera turns off and I start to type. hello! :) So after finding out that this is human placenta, culled in an FDA approved lab, and worth a lot of money, I am still a little uncomfortable, but getting ok with the idea of having human detritus purposely smeared onto my face. Then she gets it close to my mouth. OMG. I must have kicked a kitten in a previous life to have this happen. Do you know where placenta comes from? Starbucks doesn't use it as a coffee flavoring, so could we not give Chi-Lan the taste sensation?! Anyhow, after freaking out all in my head and laughing about how the placenta was peeling on my face after we finish the facial, I have ot say, I was feeling quite moisturized and glowy. :)

Whatever that doctor did seemed to work, as I didn't look like crap. And you can see the story on CW NOW this Sunday. Check it yo! Then holler back.

Unusual Bruises

You ever just wake up in the morning and think, OUCH! Damn! What the hell happened and why does the top of my shoulder feel so bruised? Those my friends are the markings of a good holiday party. That's right. CW NOW had their holiday party over the weekend and it was open bar. Hello, that is the only language I speak when I am out and about. So...everyone was there, every producer, assistant, exec, PA, everyone. And I was partaking in my slight share of the freeflowing of drinks. I kept it light and ladylike with what I call 'bellinis' (hold pinky up when saying this to get the full effect), champagne topped with a splash of cranberry, because honestly, who knows what label of bubbly they're packing back there. For all I know, the champagne could have the soul of Nick Nolte in his DUI picture, but with a splash of juice, it sings like Whitney Houston before Bobby Brown.

Did I ever tell you about the time I woke up with the WORST headache in San Francisco? I was visiting some old friends after I had moved down and was staying at a hotel at the Wharf. Well I wake up to this banging headache, thinking, wow, did I really drink that much? I thought my lush days were done and done. Then after begging the bellman to bring me up some aspirin, and as my bitch of a friend, also hung over, just moaned and made me fetch the pills from the door, I finally jumped in the shower and decided to wash my hair. Yes, the memory is that vivid. Anyhoo, as I am washing, I touch the back of my head as I am scrubbing, and I let out the most volatile scream since Janet Lee in Psycho. I swear I heard wolves holler back at a girl. Now how the hell did the back of my skull be pounced on so bad? I don't remember getting punched. As I explained to my friend sleeping in the bed next to me about my weird head thing, he said, you don't remember? You got into a fight with a door. And then it all came rushing back. That damn door knob was giving me the evil eye and I needed to show it a lesson. After a small tangle with the wine cube at my friend's place, I decided the door needed to be taken down a notch, and boom! Door knob, meet my head, head meet the door knob.

Oh back to my holiday party story, so much debauchery to speak of but I am late for work. So I have to run. I am working the premiere of Charlie Wilson's War, a funny political story about one man who didn't seem so good at his job, doing great things in his position. and it wasn;t in the lateral position either! Although he was known for that. Did that joke make it anywhere? anyone, anyone, bueller?